Sunday, June 20, 2010

I know... I'm falling back into my routine... blog for a few consecutive days and then gone for a couple weeks! LOL Sorry... I'm trying to do better. =)


The Battle of the Buldge:

I'm still slowly losing weight. Over the last month, I've probably lost about 10 lbs or so. My favorite rings have reached a point where they're literally falling off my fingers with little effort. =( Going to have to stop wearing them soon lest I lose them... can't have that. Guess I'll have to get them resized first chance I can afford to do so. =) Oddly enough, the freight scale in the back (here at work) says I've only lost 5lbs. But, I don't feel like that's accurate... not based on how my clothes and rings are doing. Weird. Suppose I'm going to have to invest in a REAL bathroom scale, huh? UGH!

Anywho... I called Tom today and he walked me through the signing up process for becoming a Team Beach Body Coach under him so that I can reap the benefits of the Coach discount (25% off EVERYTHING for LIFE and no shipping fees FOR LIFE) which is a great thing. On average, $300/year saved on the Shakeology ALONE! Which is phenominal! I can't wait to get started on this. I'm READY, DAMN IT, to move on with my life and head for the harbor of dreams to claim my ship! =) I posted on FB that I feel like I'm stepping out of one life and into a new one that's going to be better! For the first time in a long time, I'm looking forward to my future and getting fit and healthy. I can't wait!! I'm so excited I want to scream! =)


I had actually kinda been taking a break from FB... just was kinda bored with it and hadn't been on much last week. On June 16th, I logged in to find that I had 2 messages from Chris. the first one said, "Hey there..." the next one said, "If you hate me I understand". I replied back to him (it was several hours after he'd sent them though) I told him that I didn't hate him and was here for him. Over the last 4 days, we've messaged briefly on FB. Last night though, we chatted on MSN IM and then he asked if he could call me. We talked for a little while last night. In IM, he was telling me that he was getting pretty good a "effing" things up and that he was glad I was talking to him again. He told me that he'd honestly missed me and what we shared together. He said that when Danny found out what he'd done, Danny went off on him asking, "What the hell are you doing, man!?"

Chris told me that he just doesn't trust anyone for any reason. Seemed to me like he was trying to stress that point and indicate that he didn't even trust me. I told him that I've never been anything but myself and up front and honest with him, and that I expected him to do the same for me. I pointed out to him that he seems to keep forgetting that I know him better than he thinks I do. He seemed to ponder on that a moment and then agreed, saying that I was probably right.

He started to tell me about what happened between he and Paula, but fell short after saying, "Nobody wants that." I got the impression that he was talking about himself and so asked him what he meant by that. He said he wanted to "give it to me straight". I told him I expected no less. That was when he asked if he could call me. He said, "I'll be honest with you. I think I have a fear of being alone." I kinda gave a derissive chuckle and said, "Yeah... I know you do." A part of me wanted to point out to him that I've been alone for ten years. I hate being alone, but I know what I want in my life and wont settle for less than that. But I don't think he was ready to hear that just yet.

There are still a lot of things that I don't think he's ready to hear yet from me, but I do intend to let him know that if thinks I'm just going to take him back just like that, he's mistaken. He's going to have to prove himself to me because the only thing he's proven so far is that he can't be taken for his word.

*chuckle* When he called me, he laughed and then said that he missed hearing my voice. He said that he missed me and talking to me. Said that he'd thought of me often over the last month. He said, "Hell! I've told you things that I've not told anyone... things not even my family knows about." (which is an obvious indication... and I so wanted to point this out... that he obviously trusts ME even if he trusts no one else) Then he tried to hide a sigh and said, "Ask me anything and I will answer it. Honestly. Anything you want to know." I simply said, "Chris, whatever you want to tell me, whatever you want me to know... that is what I want you to tell me. He laughed at this and said, "No, no, no. You have to ask questions." I said, "Ok... would you like to know why I don't hate you and am talking to you again?" He said, "Honestly, yes I would."

I explained to him that I didn't hate him because he was following the advice I've given to so many people. I explained that advice as following ones heart and doing what they FEEL... in their heart... is right for them. I told him I can't hold that against him because he was doing what the felt was the right thing for him... he was following his heart and I can't fault him for that... even if meant I had to get my heart broken. He sighed and said that he didn't mean to hurt me. He admitted that did lie to me in that emails and that he was sorry for that. I could hear in his voice that he meant that. At some point, I'm going to have to explain to him two things; 1. He's not a good liar and 2. He can't lie to an empath. No matter what.

Yesterday, I had a very strong sense that "the talk" was coming. And sure enough, when I got home it did happen. I think I felt it so strongly because he had been thinking about talking to me the whole day. There were some things that didn't get spoke last night, however, leaving me with the feeling there will be yet another "talk" coming soon, one where more things will be said that weren't before.

I need to tell Chris that he's going to have to make it up to me... he's going to have to prove to me that he does love me, and that he does want to be with me if that's what he wants. And I'm going to have to be certain that he understands how I feel about being in a relationship. The things that I do expect. I know that sounds odd considering that love should be given unconditionally. What I mean by that statement is that for ANY relationship to function there has GOT to be uttmost honestly and communication. What I expect from a relationship is for my chosen to partner to be not just a lover, but a best friend. Someone to confide in... someone who will be there for me when I need someone, as well as someone who knows and understands that I am there for him in the same compacity. I need him to understand that I am NOT going to judge him for his actions, his thoughts, or words. Now, if he gets outta line about something, I'll let him know that it bothers me... that's a part of being able to communicate with your chosen partner. If you feel like you have to bottle things up or that you can't talk to your partner about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING then there can't be a functioning relationship between the two of you.

Long Distance relationships CAN work! I've seen them happen. MANY times. But BOTH of the ppl in the relationship have to want it and have to work for it. You're either ALL in or your not in it at all. It can't work any other way. You have to be able to trust your partner is going to stay true the relationship. Without trust, honesty and communication as the cornerstones of any relationship... there cannot be a steady foundation for love to build upon. Whether you're living together in the same home, or in the same city, or half way across the country or world from one another... without these things... there can't be a functioning relationship. THESE are the things I am looking for... these ARE the things I expect in a relationship. Without them, there wont be one. Its that simple. I know what I want, and wont settle for less than that. I've been alone for the last ten years, I can wait a little longer.

Anywho... I've gone on long enough here. I think I'll step off my soapbox now! =) Enjoy the rest of your day! =)

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Updates... wow! Where to begin...? Took a break and went to Florida on Friday the 28th of May. Stayed thru the holiday weekend. Was good to see everyone again, but I stll felt isolated... it was very apparent my mom is playing favorites again.

When we arrived late that night, for about 20 to 30 mins, it was as if I didn't exist at all. My mother went in with my sister-in-law and played with the grandbabies for a good while. I tried to make my presence known, but was largly ignored. I just went into the kitchen and sat down.

Before I got there, my mom and sister went out that day and got matching tattoos... I pouted and asked, "Where's mine?" And was told, "I don't know? Where?"... even if said in a playful tone, that still bothered me. Made me feel like I wasn't good enough.

When my mom had to make a run to the store to pick up two items she forgot to get to go with dinner Saturday night, I volunteered to go with her... she completely ignored what I'd said and told my sister to go with her. They were gone for almost 2.5 hours just to get 2 items.

Monday afternoon, when my sister-in-law and I were getting ready to come back home, my mom and sister were sitting on the couch whispering to each other. I heard my sister say, "Momma, I have to leave in about an hour to head back home, too," and barely heard my mom say, "It only takes 10 minutes to get there."

-Sigh- My mom has always favored my sister over me. I've blown up at her about it before and she said she never realized she did that... now she's doing it again. Made no sense to me. She practically begged me to come down that weekend, said she needed me, then mostly ignored my presence through the course of the weekend.

Saturday, we went to a powwow. I REALLY needed a drum fix for some deep soul healing, but the weather was really crappy... rained out the powwow for about 2 hours. Drums sounded really flat and muffled... sad. I REALLY needed that. Why did I need a deep soul healing? One word... Chris... Which leads me to the "relationship" part of my life... Or the lack there of.

Chris posted on his FB that he was in a relationship with someone other than me. I emailed him and asked what was up with that, explained that, oddly, I wasn't mad, but wanted to understand. Pointing out all the things he'd said to me and said he wanted. He emailed me back and lied... he's a terrible liar, even in an email. He said he'd been drunk everytime he talked to me and said a lot of things that he didn't mean. He explained that she is what he wants and he hopes I understand. I replied that I understood... everything he said was a lie. I wished him well in life and hoped he finds what he's looking for. To which he replied again (and the tone of which made me feel like he was trying to assuage his guilty conscious) saying that he and I were never anything barely more than friends who hung out a couple of times in HS. That there was never anything special between he and I, and that he and she have a past together, and she is his perfect match. BLAH!BLAH!BLAH! Bullshit! He'll be back... that's what my gut tells me. How could he just dismiss me like that? One day he's telling me that the memories we share were "magical" and the next he's telling me that we were never anything special. WTF!

Anywho... on the weightloss issue, scale says I've gained 10 lbs, but I don't feel like that's accurate. My rings are still falling off my fingers, more than ever, and my clothes are still loose fitting... I don't see how I could have gained ten lbs more than when I started and still have clothes loose on me and rings falling off if I'm not careful. *shrug* whatever. I'm very quickly about to reach a point where I say FTW and crawl into a hole so the rest of the world can forget me the way that those I held closest to me have.

That's all my ranting for now... sorry... just needed to get it all out in the open. It hurts too much to keep it all inside.