Sunday, June 20, 2010

I know... I'm falling back into my routine... blog for a few consecutive days and then gone for a couple weeks! LOL Sorry... I'm trying to do better. =)


The Battle of the Buldge:

I'm still slowly losing weight. Over the last month, I've probably lost about 10 lbs or so. My favorite rings have reached a point where they're literally falling off my fingers with little effort. =( Going to have to stop wearing them soon lest I lose them... can't have that. Guess I'll have to get them resized first chance I can afford to do so. =) Oddly enough, the freight scale in the back (here at work) says I've only lost 5lbs. But, I don't feel like that's accurate... not based on how my clothes and rings are doing. Weird. Suppose I'm going to have to invest in a REAL bathroom scale, huh? UGH!

Anywho... I called Tom today and he walked me through the signing up process for becoming a Team Beach Body Coach under him so that I can reap the benefits of the Coach discount (25% off EVERYTHING for LIFE and no shipping fees FOR LIFE) which is a great thing. On average, $300/year saved on the Shakeology ALONE! Which is phenominal! I can't wait to get started on this. I'm READY, DAMN IT, to move on with my life and head for the harbor of dreams to claim my ship! =) I posted on FB that I feel like I'm stepping out of one life and into a new one that's going to be better! For the first time in a long time, I'm looking forward to my future and getting fit and healthy. I can't wait!! I'm so excited I want to scream! =)


I had actually kinda been taking a break from FB... just was kinda bored with it and hadn't been on much last week. On June 16th, I logged in to find that I had 2 messages from Chris. the first one said, "Hey there..." the next one said, "If you hate me I understand". I replied back to him (it was several hours after he'd sent them though) I told him that I didn't hate him and was here for him. Over the last 4 days, we've messaged briefly on FB. Last night though, we chatted on MSN IM and then he asked if he could call me. We talked for a little while last night. In IM, he was telling me that he was getting pretty good a "effing" things up and that he was glad I was talking to him again. He told me that he'd honestly missed me and what we shared together. He said that when Danny found out what he'd done, Danny went off on him asking, "What the hell are you doing, man!?"

Chris told me that he just doesn't trust anyone for any reason. Seemed to me like he was trying to stress that point and indicate that he didn't even trust me. I told him that I've never been anything but myself and up front and honest with him, and that I expected him to do the same for me. I pointed out to him that he seems to keep forgetting that I know him better than he thinks I do. He seemed to ponder on that a moment and then agreed, saying that I was probably right.

He started to tell me about what happened between he and Paula, but fell short after saying, "Nobody wants that." I got the impression that he was talking about himself and so asked him what he meant by that. He said he wanted to "give it to me straight". I told him I expected no less. That was when he asked if he could call me. He said, "I'll be honest with you. I think I have a fear of being alone." I kinda gave a derissive chuckle and said, "Yeah... I know you do." A part of me wanted to point out to him that I've been alone for ten years. I hate being alone, but I know what I want in my life and wont settle for less than that. But I don't think he was ready to hear that just yet.

There are still a lot of things that I don't think he's ready to hear yet from me, but I do intend to let him know that if thinks I'm just going to take him back just like that, he's mistaken. He's going to have to prove himself to me because the only thing he's proven so far is that he can't be taken for his word.

*chuckle* When he called me, he laughed and then said that he missed hearing my voice. He said that he missed me and talking to me. Said that he'd thought of me often over the last month. He said, "Hell! I've told you things that I've not told anyone... things not even my family knows about." (which is an obvious indication... and I so wanted to point this out... that he obviously trusts ME even if he trusts no one else) Then he tried to hide a sigh and said, "Ask me anything and I will answer it. Honestly. Anything you want to know." I simply said, "Chris, whatever you want to tell me, whatever you want me to know... that is what I want you to tell me. He laughed at this and said, "No, no, no. You have to ask questions." I said, "Ok... would you like to know why I don't hate you and am talking to you again?" He said, "Honestly, yes I would."

I explained to him that I didn't hate him because he was following the advice I've given to so many people. I explained that advice as following ones heart and doing what they FEEL... in their heart... is right for them. I told him I can't hold that against him because he was doing what the felt was the right thing for him... he was following his heart and I can't fault him for that... even if meant I had to get my heart broken. He sighed and said that he didn't mean to hurt me. He admitted that did lie to me in that emails and that he was sorry for that. I could hear in his voice that he meant that. At some point, I'm going to have to explain to him two things; 1. He's not a good liar and 2. He can't lie to an empath. No matter what.

Yesterday, I had a very strong sense that "the talk" was coming. And sure enough, when I got home it did happen. I think I felt it so strongly because he had been thinking about talking to me the whole day. There were some things that didn't get spoke last night, however, leaving me with the feeling there will be yet another "talk" coming soon, one where more things will be said that weren't before.

I need to tell Chris that he's going to have to make it up to me... he's going to have to prove to me that he does love me, and that he does want to be with me if that's what he wants. And I'm going to have to be certain that he understands how I feel about being in a relationship. The things that I do expect. I know that sounds odd considering that love should be given unconditionally. What I mean by that statement is that for ANY relationship to function there has GOT to be uttmost honestly and communication. What I expect from a relationship is for my chosen to partner to be not just a lover, but a best friend. Someone to confide in... someone who will be there for me when I need someone, as well as someone who knows and understands that I am there for him in the same compacity. I need him to understand that I am NOT going to judge him for his actions, his thoughts, or words. Now, if he gets outta line about something, I'll let him know that it bothers me... that's a part of being able to communicate with your chosen partner. If you feel like you have to bottle things up or that you can't talk to your partner about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING then there can't be a functioning relationship between the two of you.

Long Distance relationships CAN work! I've seen them happen. MANY times. But BOTH of the ppl in the relationship have to want it and have to work for it. You're either ALL in or your not in it at all. It can't work any other way. You have to be able to trust your partner is going to stay true the relationship. Without trust, honesty and communication as the cornerstones of any relationship... there cannot be a steady foundation for love to build upon. Whether you're living together in the same home, or in the same city, or half way across the country or world from one another... without these things... there can't be a functioning relationship. THESE are the things I am looking for... these ARE the things I expect in a relationship. Without them, there wont be one. Its that simple. I know what I want, and wont settle for less than that. I've been alone for the last ten years, I can wait a little longer.

Anywho... I've gone on long enough here. I think I'll step off my soapbox now! =) Enjoy the rest of your day! =)

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Updates... wow! Where to begin...? Took a break and went to Florida on Friday the 28th of May. Stayed thru the holiday weekend. Was good to see everyone again, but I stll felt isolated... it was very apparent my mom is playing favorites again.

When we arrived late that night, for about 20 to 30 mins, it was as if I didn't exist at all. My mother went in with my sister-in-law and played with the grandbabies for a good while. I tried to make my presence known, but was largly ignored. I just went into the kitchen and sat down.

Before I got there, my mom and sister went out that day and got matching tattoos... I pouted and asked, "Where's mine?" And was told, "I don't know? Where?"... even if said in a playful tone, that still bothered me. Made me feel like I wasn't good enough.

When my mom had to make a run to the store to pick up two items she forgot to get to go with dinner Saturday night, I volunteered to go with her... she completely ignored what I'd said and told my sister to go with her. They were gone for almost 2.5 hours just to get 2 items.

Monday afternoon, when my sister-in-law and I were getting ready to come back home, my mom and sister were sitting on the couch whispering to each other. I heard my sister say, "Momma, I have to leave in about an hour to head back home, too," and barely heard my mom say, "It only takes 10 minutes to get there."

-Sigh- My mom has always favored my sister over me. I've blown up at her about it before and she said she never realized she did that... now she's doing it again. Made no sense to me. She practically begged me to come down that weekend, said she needed me, then mostly ignored my presence through the course of the weekend.

Saturday, we went to a powwow. I REALLY needed a drum fix for some deep soul healing, but the weather was really crappy... rained out the powwow for about 2 hours. Drums sounded really flat and muffled... sad. I REALLY needed that. Why did I need a deep soul healing? One word... Chris... Which leads me to the "relationship" part of my life... Or the lack there of.

Chris posted on his FB that he was in a relationship with someone other than me. I emailed him and asked what was up with that, explained that, oddly, I wasn't mad, but wanted to understand. Pointing out all the things he'd said to me and said he wanted. He emailed me back and lied... he's a terrible liar, even in an email. He said he'd been drunk everytime he talked to me and said a lot of things that he didn't mean. He explained that she is what he wants and he hopes I understand. I replied that I understood... everything he said was a lie. I wished him well in life and hoped he finds what he's looking for. To which he replied again (and the tone of which made me feel like he was trying to assuage his guilty conscious) saying that he and I were never anything barely more than friends who hung out a couple of times in HS. That there was never anything special between he and I, and that he and she have a past together, and she is his perfect match. BLAH!BLAH!BLAH! Bullshit! He'll be back... that's what my gut tells me. How could he just dismiss me like that? One day he's telling me that the memories we share were "magical" and the next he's telling me that we were never anything special. WTF!

Anywho... on the weightloss issue, scale says I've gained 10 lbs, but I don't feel like that's accurate. My rings are still falling off my fingers, more than ever, and my clothes are still loose fitting... I don't see how I could have gained ten lbs more than when I started and still have clothes loose on me and rings falling off if I'm not careful. *shrug* whatever. I'm very quickly about to reach a point where I say FTW and crawl into a hole so the rest of the world can forget me the way that those I held closest to me have.

That's all my ranting for now... sorry... just needed to get it all out in the open. It hurts too much to keep it all inside.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Quick Update...

...yeah right! Like that can happen... LOL! You guys seen my other blogs!? Those were supposed to be SHORT updates! Hehe...

Anywho... this one will be a short note... (crosses fingers and hopes) Just wanted to update everyone on what's going on in my world. I know I've been gone about a week.... Internet issues at home. BOO! >=/ But I am hopeful to getting them resolved by the end of the week at the latest. If what I'm thinking it is turns out it isn't, then I'm going to have to reformat my computer. UGH! Not looking foward to that AT ALL!

Anywho. The weight loss continues, however... when I weighed myself yesterday (after a week of not weighing) I was actually 3 lbs heavier... must have been cuz I'd eaten a few hours before I weighed. Despite that, I feel lighter, I'm not in AS much pain, and can move better than I was, not to mention I feel like I'm swimming in my clothes they're starting to get baggy on me. Amazing what one can do with dertmination. YAY ME! *pats myself on the back* Keep up the good work, Jenna.

OMG!! I actually found a bag of my favorite hard candy in my purse when I got to work tonight. "MMm! Butterscotch!", I thought to myself... popped one in my mouth and by the time it was gone, I was holding my stomach saying "BLECK! That was TOO sweet!" O.O OMG!! Did I SERIOUSLY just go there! *nods lots* Yes, I did! =)

I got to looking around on the internet today and found an alternative to the GB (Gastric Bypass... which I've kicked around the idea of for a few years now) and I've found a sufficient alternative. It's called the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy (VSG). Unlike the GB where they completely bypassing and re-route your "plumbing", the VSG cuts away about 2/3 - 3/4 of the stomach, keeping the portion that controls certain hormone productions required for healthy weight loss intact. No re-routing of your intestines. You will litterally have a stomach that is the shape and size of a banana. No kidding! Not only that, but the VSG doesn't have A LOT of the risks and side-effects that a GB has. It's a significantly shorter procedure, take anywhere from half an hour to 45 minutes to complete whereas the GB takes in upwards of an hour and a half to complete. What does that mean? It means you're less likely to develop a PE or other bloodclot (which is good news for me).

From all the research I've done on it and the video testimonials ALL OVER youtube, there appears to be a foremost leading surgeon where this particular surgery is concerned... a Dr. Guillermo Alvarez, and he's actually in Mexico.

With the VSG, he wants you to stay 2 days in the hospital and 2 days in a hotel afterward so that he can check up on you over the course of the week. After that, you're free to go home. From all the testimonials on youtube that I watched, he apparently stays in touch with his patients and does all that he can to help them out whenever they need the help. His patients refer to him becoming a friend after surgery, stating that he truly cares for the well-being of his patients. He even holds 'reunion' events annually. All of the testimonials I saw are of people who sing his praises and appear to be 'over the moon' happpy about what he's done for them.

Anywho.... that's that... is something I'll certainly bring up to my cousin, the dr, and see what she says about it.

On the relationship front... I swear... I feel like a bloody yo-yo... Chris is struggling with some burried emotions that have bubbled to the surface lately. Instead of talking to me about them, he totally clams up and distances himself from me. Wont talk to me, wont call me, wont ask me to call him either, for that matter.

I get the sense that he's seeing himself as "weak" for "feeling" the way he's been feeling. I sense that he may even think that I'd think he's 'weak' for being emotional lately. But, I don't. I like the fact that he's sensative! I like the fact that he tells me when he gets to see me again, he's probably going to cry like a little girl! LOL But I don't like that he's bottling all this up and shutting it away inside of him, letting it eat at him. I don't like that he feels like he can't talk to me about what he's feeling and thinking and going through. I've told him I'm here for him and that he doesn't have to go through it alone.... he's still not said anything to me in 3 days. -sigh- I feel like it would be different if I were there in person as oppsoed to being here. Makes a big difference I suppose.

Chris is a wonderful man, I just wish he wouldn't pull away from me when he and I both know that he truly needs... someone... be it me or whomever... to be a shoulder for him when he needs one. I just feel like he see's it coming... the wrecking ball of emotions... and then he slams the door in my face when I ask what's wrong and then he runs and hides. It can be so damn infuriating and frustrating at times, but all I can do is simply stand here at the door and wait for him to come back and open it. To show him that I'm not going anywhere and that I'm not afraid of emotions, be them his or mine or anyone's for that matter. I simply have to wait to be pulled in again, like a yo-yo on a sting... only to be cast away from him again the next time it happens. -sigh- I love him. I truly, honestly do, and I don't plan on going anywhere until he throws me away and says he doesn't want me anymore.

Well... I guess that will be all for the time being. Sooooooo slllleeeeeeepppppppppyyyyyyyy! I'm ready to be home and in the bed.

Will update again in a few days. =)

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Wet and dreary...

I went to bed at 930 last night, which is rare for me. I was exceptionally tired, after not getting any sleep the previous night. Ron has been acting out lately and I'm ready to strangle him! Ron is my cat, and he's taken to being a bit of an ass of late. For the last week, he'll get up on me when I go to bed and if I so much as twitch or move, he attacks me! Bleeding is not a good thing for me... you should SEE the gash on the back of my hand!

Anyway, I understand that for the most part that's playing, however. When I'm sound asleep and he gets on top of me and does that or he starts taking a bath, waking me up with his movement, I get so irritated. He just wont stop no matter what I do. Push him off, he gets right back up there and does it again, or he'll climb on things and knock things off shelves and the desk, or he'll start "sharpening" his claws on things he's not done it on before which drives me up the wall as well. If he starts spraying next, I'm going to get REALLY ill with him! I'm at my wits end where Ron is concerned. I love him dearly, but somethings got to give with his acting out. The look in his eyes is like he's DARING me to do something about the way he's acting. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions of things I could try to help put an end to his assinine behavior, please let me know! =)

Anywho... When I left the house this morning, it was rainy and dreary out. This kind of weather hurts like you wouldn't believe, but I'm not going to let it get or keep me down. For the first time in a very long time, I can say, Life is GOOD! (At least it's getting better... just have to get the finances in order and all will be perfect)

For the first part of the day, I had NOOOO energy and couldn't stay awake. Now, I feel like I'm supercharged and I'm not sure why, but I like it! =) Had tuna and crackers for lunch, and a walk around the building a few times and am on my third huge 32 oz glass of ice water for the day. What did you do today?

An update on the battle of the bulge:

When I woke up this morning to get ready for work, I noticed something immediately when I stood up. My favorite rings that I always wear all the time were slipping down my fingers... they've not done that before. They come off now, with the slightest movement of my hands... guess it's time to find some sizers.

The next thing I noticed was that my clothes are fitting a bit baggy. YAY ME!! That means my "ploy" to trick the evil weight demons is working! Just how well I've hoodwinked them is still a mystery... lets hope they never find out... or at least that they don't until it's too late and I've whooped them soundly without their even noticing. Mwahahaha! > ;)

On the relationship front:
I've come to realize something... I do a lot of thinking, can you tell? LOL

Anywho... I was terribly heartbroken when Chris (who'd been gungho till now) suddenly screeched on the breaks and said, WHOA THERE! Let's go slow (instead of the full steam ahead approach that HE initiated).

Now, I'm a very firm believer in things happening for a reason, and though I don't give them their due course, the gods DO know what they're doing... on occasion ;) hehe.

Last year, when Chris first wanted us to be together, I was no where on the same planet of ready for us to be anything more than long distance friends with fond memories of HS. Then, after I've had a year to really think about it and realize that I DO have feelings for him and would like to see what the future may hold, he was all for that!! Jumped into the deepend of the pool he did!

Last year, he was SO sure of what he wanted, and I hesitated. This year, now that I am sure of what I want in life, he's hesitating... the roles have been reversed. What if, he's a part of this package deal that I didn't realize I'd signed for? LOL

What I'm saying is, what if I'm meant to fully find myself and get well onto the road of recovery before anything further can happen between he and I... and he's simply the carrot being dangled before me to keep me that much more motivated to reach these goals I've set on myself?

Yeah, I know the speech... don't do this for someone else, do it for yourself, blah blah blah... yeah, I know. I made the commitment to make positive and healthy changes in my life and get on the road of recovery BEFORE the "Chris carrot" was dangled before me... Hmm... yeah that sounds REALLY perverse, but you get my meaning here. I don't want to do this just for him, my PRIMARY reason and person for doing this is ME!! IIIIII come first here!

Chris and I enjoy a lot of the same things. Walking and hiking and going fishing. In my current phsyical condition, I can't do these things for myself let alone with the one I love.

So... what if? =)

I'm thinking that's the "story" and I'm sticking to it cuz it makes me feel that much better about me and what I'm doing for me.... cuz in the long run, it will allow me to do the things with my loved ones that WE enjoy doing as a team. Who knows... I might be able to convince him to try out beachbody! That'd be awesome... =)

Saturday, May 15, 2010

The Road To Recovery...

Well, as I mentioned in my first blog, I have various medical conditions that have "held me back" for several years now. A degenerative spine being one of those, bi-polar and depression another. Two years ago when I was diagnosed with DVT and realized how close to dying I was, I really sank into a deep "funk".

I realized about six weeks ago that my life has REALLY got to change, and for the better. I began doing a lot of thinking and soul-searching. I talked to what few good friends I have that wont judge me for being weak and vulnerable... and miserable.

The pain in my spine becoming more and more prevalent... getting worse day by day. It wasn't until about a month ago that I was talking to a friend of mine, Tom, about the "woe's of me", that I decided I was going to take an active part in bringing about positive changes in my life. I just needed an impartial ear to let me vent and offer advice. Tom was that ear.

At one point in our conversation I told him, "I'm so beyond ready for my ship to come in." Tom said to me, "It already has, Jen. It's docked the harbor of dreams waiting for you to claim it." At first, I scoffed at this and thought, 'yeah, right!' But the more I thought about it, the more that made sense. I quickly realized that I had been sitting there for 2 years waiting for something to just fall out of the sky and land in my lap that was going to suddenly make everything better again. Boy, was I wrong!

I realized that I am the only one who can do something about the sad little life I have that's riddled with pain and illness. I decided to take the bull by the horns... to get healthy, and thus, to get happy. All this extra "baggage" I'm carrying around is doing more and more damage to a spine already damaged enough. Because of it, I'm only expediting the condition to the point of no return. You see... the good news about the kind of spinal degeneration I have is that it's reversable... with about 7 to 10 years of physical therapy... but not after it reaches stage 4. Parts of my spine are already in stage 3 (which takes an approximate 20 years to reach) and my weight isn't helping this condition, only hindering it. Considering I can't go to therapy for it at this point in time, I have to do my part to take care of it... I haven't been doing that, and so the pain begins in earnest.

After a trip to Wal-Mart in which I couldn't get a handi-capped "scooter" to ride around in, I realized how arduous and laborious the task of walking had become for me due to the degeneration. My spine simply wont let me walk around for more than 10 minutes before the discomfort sets in... 20 minutes and I'm in excrutiating pain. It amazes me the things we take for granted... like the ability to walk, something I had always enjoyed doing for both pleasure and exercise, had becoming something I dreaded having to do. This had to change!

On May 9th 2010, the two year anniversary of when I was diagnosed with a life-changing illness (DVT) I decided I was going to impliment some of these changes in my life. I am determined that I WILL walk again without the use of a cane. I want to enjoy WALKING through the store instead of riding in a painfully uncomfortable scooter.

May 10, 2010 dawned wet and dreary most of the day, so I didn't get much of a chance to get in much walking. I have, though, for the rest of the week. I'm still only walking about half a mile (two laps at a time), but this is much better than I thought I could do. I WILL do this! I WILL get better!

I know, over the last 6 weeks, that I've lost some weight. How much, exactly, I don't know, but some. Today at work, I took a walk through the building for my exercise today and decided to weigh myself on the scale in the back. I know I'm under the weight limit for that scale, but didn't know by how much. I'll do this at least once a month for the time being to monitor how much I'm losing.

When I get home today, I'm going to have to take some "before pictures" for the Team Beachbody website that I joined on May 9th. I need to get in touch with my cousin, Dr. Margaret to see if she'd be willing to help me put together a plan that will work for ME and my disabilities and medical conditions, and where exercise is concerned, I'm thinking that I'm going to start with some basic pilates instead of doing something with the Team Beachbody workout programs. I want to work up to those. I found, in a "SHAPE" magazine, what looks like a good and simple enough work out. Just have to start doing that.

Monday is a new day. Not only will I walk that day, but I will begin the work out that I've found, while my cousin and I start working on creating a diet and exercise program that will work best for me, and others like me.

All is not lost or hopeless, even though... at times... it seems to be. I WILL NOT be defeated. I WILL get over this mountain before me and find a healthier, happier me on my boat in the harbor of dreams. =)

In other news, I've had a setback where my relationship with Chris is concerned. One I actually did see coming.

On Tuesday, I think it was, the 11th, Chris and I talked on the phone that night. He was so funny. I love it when he makes me laugh. He told me that he wanted me to move there in two weeks. Said he was excited to start our new lives together and didn't want to wait anymore. I told him I was committed to a lease agreement until July and he conceded, saying, "Ok. 6 weeks then."

On Wednesday, I told my mother about Chris and she was very skeptical at first... almost negative about it. I strong sense of dread came over me when she told me that she sent him a friend request on Facebook and intends to be nosy. I told her not to be mean and not to scare him. She said if he scares off too easy, he's not meant for me. *shakes head* Two days later, she told me that she'd sent a message to him saying, "What's this I hear about you and my daughter?" My first thought was, 'Great! She sounds bitchy!' I had a VERY BAAAAAD feeling from the begining telling my mother about him.

To be expected, Chris messaged me last night and said that he wants to slow down, take it day by day and see where things lead, stating that we have time and there's no need to rush into anything... in guy speak... that translates to, "I just wanna be friends." I was crushed. I didn't get it. How could he be telling me he loves me and can't wait to start our lives together, he's so excited about the prospect of it that he wants me there in two weeks, then turn around two days later and take it all back?

I realize that he's scared. I get it! I am, too. -sigh- But, to be honest, I can't blame him. When my family suddenly jumps in there and wants to be all in his business and they're not coming off as friendly about it either, instantly putting him on the defensive... what man in his right mind willingly goes into a relationship that seems there's this much volital family interference going on in the first few days!? *shakes head* I can't blame him.

There are other ways my mother could have talked to him that would not have made him uncomfortable or put him on the defensive. In his defense, Chris doesn't know her from Adam, and he doesn't know that she was trying to be "cutesy". She could have been A LOT friendlier in her approach to him knowing how important this is to me.

I've simply decided to take a step back, and let him have his breathing room. I don't really know what else to do. I love him... I really, truly do. If we're meant to be, then we will and I'll be waiting. When he's ready... he'll let me know.

So, I'm simply going to stay focused and keep working on the broken puzzle peices that are me. Slowly, I'll find all the peices and put me back together again.

Wish me luck.

Monday, May 10, 2010

This is happy --- Day 1 & 2

It's been a good long while... ok a year... since I last blogged about what's going on in my life. There's been a few changes. In summary: an unsurprising broken heart, the loss of an old friend, decisions to be made, and reconnecting with an old friend.

The unsurprising broken heart:for those who had read them, you may have noticed that I deleted a few blogs I'd written about an old HS acquaintence I'd written about: Bryan... I told the story of how I threw him across the room with the sheer power of my legs when he tried to pin me down at a party back in '91 I think it was. It was initially good to reconnect with him and find that we had a lot in common. I talked about how he and I began an "affair of the heart" (with him going to Iraq it was about all we could do) but I had my misgivings about it, stating that it felt like "Pit" all over again, but regardless, I was going to see where it would lead me. I guess I had to prove to myself that my heart truly wasn't dead after "Pit".

One of my motto's in life has always been to follow your heart. It will never lead you wrong. It may lead you down a road of heartache, but it will never lead you down the road of regret. So, I did just that, and sure enough, it did lead to a heartache.

The end of November Bryan very suddenly stopped talking to me. Stopped calling, stopped writting, stopped emailing, just stopped... everything.. with no explanation. Initially, I worried.. what with him being in Iraq and all... but then, I came to realize some things, and instantly knew that it had been this way all along. He was keeping someone else in another state... typical. I said it felt like "Pit" again and I was right.

Initially, I was upset and depressed about this. "What the hell is wrong with me that men continue to treat me like this?" I asked myself, reminding myself of the promises he'd made: "I wont hurt you." Yeah, I've heard that one before... a million times if I've heard it once. "I'm not going anywhere." Pishaw! "I'll always be here for you." Yawn! You know the ones... -shakes head- what on earth made me think that he would be different when he only had vague memories of me to begin with AND knowing his history of cheating on his wife. -sighs- I'm an idiot sometimes... I guess in a "tortured" way, I have always felt that I simply don't deserve better. I don't know... and I truly don't want to stop and analyze it. Good Riddance to bad rubbish, I say. =) I wish him all the best in life and hope he can find what he is missing in life that will make him STOP being the way he is (always looking to dip his stick in something regardless of his current relationship).

Moving on...

The loss of an old friend: It's never been common/public knowledge that I knew Peter Steele (of Type O Negative). I have had a connection to the man most of my life... he haunted me and my dreams from the time I was a child. As far back as I can remember, he was there though I didn't know who he was at the time... simply, the man in my dreams.

It just so came to be that in 1993 I discovered Type O Negative thanks in part to my now ex-husband. He saw the cover of "Bloody Kisses" and thought a band who would have two chicks kissing on the cover couldn't be all that bad. He hated them... I loved them. Over the next two years after that I bought every TON I could get my hands on. Then, in 1995 it became widely known that Peter posed for Playgirl magazine (and several other lesser and more trashy/seeder adult rags). Curiosity got the better of me, and being the fan I am, I bought the Playgirl issue that would become their biggest and best selling mag they'd EVER sold.

Oddly enough (yeah, I know what your thinking) I wasn't as much interested in the pics as I was in what he had to say. Yes, the pics were... impressive... to say the least, but to me, they simply didn't feel "natural" for him. In reading the interview (which oddly enough I did before really looking at any of the pics) it was all vaguely familiar to me. I couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was that was familiar about it.. until a few days later. I'd gone to wash the dishes when it hit me... a dream I'd had that was pretty much everything he'd said in that interview. I was flabbergasted. I ran back down to my room and grabbed the mag again, to "study" the interview and pictorial and I'll be damned if it wasn't the same man from my dreams. I must have walked around dazed for a few days. I simply didn't know what to think of it.

Over the next few years, I established a sort of telepathic link to him, trying to figure out why it was that I'd dreamt of this man most of my life. I came to understand him in a way that most people didn't. I didn't tell anyone about this, simply because people were already afraid of my abilities as a pyschic medium (though at this point in time, I still had no idea what my abilities were or why I had them) and I didn't need anyone thinking I was crazier than they already thought I was.

Three degrees of seperation: In the years that followed after this startling revelation, I came to know someone who had known Peter most of her life. "Susky" as he nicknamed her (and she hated it then) and I struck up a friendship, introduced by a mutual friend of ours, Dolores. It was because of my abilities that "Susky" needed to talk to me... some help trying to interpret some strange and disturbing dreams she'd had. "Pit" and I were still "together" at the time, and he and I did a fair bit to help ppl with dream interpretation and Dolores (also someone I'd gone to HS with), knowing of my abilities first hand, introduced us.

At any rate, "Susky" is now one of my best friends... my soul-sister. When she finally found out of my connection to the "Ape", she was flabbergasted how well I knew of the "private" Peter that only his inner-circle of friends and family knew.

Years passed, "Susky" called me to tell me about another friend of hers that needed some insight into a situation she was in and wanted to know if she could pass on my phone number. I agreed, and was soon contacted by someone who has also become a good friend to me.... "Sam".

"Sam" was in a situation with a man she was in love with and had been engaged to for some time but they'd recently split up. Initially, she was very vague, skeptical of my abilities until I began to described the man I saw in my minds eye to her, and described a few other things. She was amazed and, after about two more phone calls, she confessed that the man was Peter. "Susky" had guessed that my connection to Peter would help "Sam" to understand a little better... and she guessed right.

That night when I'd gone to bed, I contacted Peter via our telepathic bond, and I completely berated him for his behavior and how badly he'd acted toward her. He became very angry with me for taking her side instead of his and vowed never to "speak" to me again. Though it was a few years later, he eventually began "speaking" to me again, though not as much as we had been before. "Sam" has never gotten over Peter. To this day, she continues to love him despite what transpired between them.

On April 15, 2010 about 1 am, the "rumor mill" finally caught up to me about the death of Peter Steele. I hit up all the usual hotspots and people were snarky as usual, others shocked and amazed and others who made fun of those who were for believing it again (as it was speculated that Peter had died previously due to a photo "stunt" indicating the change of recording labels).

Not knowing what to believe, I sent a text message to both "Susky" and "Sam" asking if they'd heard anything about it, because surely they'd have known or would know how to find out the vailidity of the supposed rumor. I didn't hear back from either for sometime, until "Susky" (and later "Sam") confirmed for me that the "Ape" had indeed passed. Reports were, that he passed of an Aeortic Aneurysm... tragic. The man had FINALLY (after nearly 20 years) gotten clean and sober and was getting his life back on track. He and "Sam" had even reconciled their differences and were on speaking terms again. "Sam" was over the moon about that.

RIP Peter... know you were loved and are deeply missed.

Decisions to be made: In recent months, I've been rather dispondent. Depressed about my seemingly hopeless life, continued stagnation of my health and continued degeneration of my spine. I've been struggling to keep my blood levels where they NEED to be. They're all over the spectrum right now... one week they'll be 4.0 (which is considered thinner than water) and the next two weeks after it'll be 1.0 (which is so thick that I swear at times I can FEEL the blood moving in my veins). When my blood gets too thick, I am in constant pain in my legs and develop several vericose on the back of my calf. I hate that.

I got so despondent at one point, that I sat down and poured my heart out to a friend, Tom. (the quotations are absent from his name, as he's not one that needs a protection of identity) Anywho... though Tom really didn't know what to say about my pouring my heart out to him, I told him that was ok. I simply needed to talk to someone who wasn't going to judge me and I knew I could count on him for that.

We talked via email for a good long while about the things missing in my life and the things I was "waiting" to happen to me. I told him, at one point, that I was so beyond ready for my ship to come in. He said to me, "Jen, your ship has already come in. Its sitting in the habor of dreams waiting on you to get there and claim it." Initially, in my despondent state, I snarfed at that. 'Yeah, right,' I thought to myself. But the more I thought of it, the more that made sense to me. I've always felt that I would eventually find a better life for myself and my kids. That I would be able to accomplish at least some of the things that I wanted to in life. And here I was, simply waiting for it to fall into my lap.... not going to happen when you don't make any effort to make things happen in your life.

Over a period of weeks after initially pouring my heart out to Tom about the "woes of me", I started watching some inspirational video's that Tom had posted as well as a few other things that he'd recommended. You see, my friend, Tom, is an independent Team Beachbody coach. I've watched the transformation he's undergone over the last few years and its amazing how he's turned his life around. In the emails we'd shared, Tom had given me the tools I would need to turn my own life around. He's a great inspiration to myself and hundreds of other people.

A decision had to be made, on my part. I couldn't just sit here and wallow in my own misery expecting the things I wanted to simply fall into my lap and suddenly make things alright. No, I had to take control of my own life and MAKE my dreams come true. I am tired of hiding behind my own fears, prisoner to them and afraid to live my life because of it.

I've lived the last 10+ years afraid to be involved in a relationship because of my fear of rejection... fear that I would only ever be nothing more than "the other woman" that married men sought after for a little "fun without the commitment". I am SO tired of that. All I've ever wanted to was to be THE ONLY woman for ONE man for the REST of my days. To find the one man in the world who would look at me the way that Tim McGraw looks at Faith Hill. After all these years together, he still looks at her like she's the only woman in the whole world. You can SEE how much they love each other when they look at one another. It is because of them that I still believe in love dispite all that I have personally been through.

Two years ago yesterday, I was diagnosed with a fatal medical condition that I still struggle to maintain to this day... DVT. It seemed fitting that on that day, I have taken the steps necessary to come out of that shell of fear. To stop hiding and being a slave to my fears. You have to start somewhere, and I did in a really big way. I signed up on the Team Beachbody website to have my friend, Tom, as a coach (more for inspiration than anything else) Because of my disabilities and limiations, we're going to have to try to come up with a way to modify the programs so that even I can get better, physically and emotionally.

Reconnecting with an old friend:Now, let me back up 20 years and reminisce for a bit...

It was 89-90 school year, in Baumholder, Germany and I used to go for walks, often alone, through the German town part of the base we lived on. (I love long walks and miss doing that now) On occassion, a friend of mine from school, Chris, would suddenly appear beside me. He'd slip his hand into mine, and we'd just smile and walk through town, hand in hand. Sometimes we'd talk about any and everything and nothing at all, and sometimes we'd walk in silence, just enjoying each other's company. At school, it was a different story. We were in different cliques... I was the Rocker Chick and he was the Skater Dude. Though we associated cordially with each other at school, that was about the extent of it... we never touched or even hung out together at school. As a result, I never thought of his sudden appearances at my side, and holding my hand, while walking through town was anything more than a friendly gesture on his part.

In the spring, it was time for the Homecoming Dance. Chris had no intention of going to the dance, but when he found out I was going, he asked me to save him a slow dance. I thought nothing of it (as we'd always been friendly with each other) and said, "sure". That night, at the dance, Chris came in through a window and I'm not so sure he didn't go and ask the dj to put on some slow tunes. I'd heard he'd slipped in through the window and had asked a friend if they'd seen him, when he slipped up behind me (as always) and took me by the hand to lead me to the dance floor.

We danced three slow songs and he was deliberately slower than the music was in his lead. We made idle chitchat, though I don't remember much (aside from him complimenting my rose tattoo) of what was said. When the music changed, he lingered into the next song, still dancing slow. He didn't say anything, only appeared to be studying my face. I looked at him and asked what was wrong. He smiled a sort of sad smile and said, "nothing". When I then asked what that look he was giving me was he said, "You know... I have always been in love with you." Then he kissed me tenderly. My body froze and my brain seemed to shut down. I stared blankly after that kiss, stunned by his sudden confession. By the time my brain had re-engaged and I was able to see and move again, I looked around frantically but Chris was gone. He'd stolen back out the same window he'd come in... this time... taking with him a piece of my heart. I never saw or heard from him again after that. Only finding out several days later that he and his family had moved the day after the dance.

Now, flash forward to 2009... shortly after Bryan and I "reconnected" last year, I had also reconnected with another... Chris. One who had actually been a friend, not just someone I threw across a room... tho, I did nearly kick Chris in the face once... was his own fault and totally in self defense =P... anywho... Chris and I started talking via the computer last year around May. After only two days of "chitchatting" and catching up on the computer, Chris proclaimed that the internet (no matter how fast) was simply too slow of a medium to communicate in and asked for my number so he could call me. Everyday for the rest of the week, we talked on the phone several times a day. It was wonderful hearing his voice and catching up with him. I'd often wondered about him over the years and had been looking for him for 9 years at that point.

The last time he called me in 2009 (after only one week of talking on the phone) Chris had called me that night and was well on his way to being drunk. He said it was my fault that he was getting drunk. When I asked why that was he said, "Because I'm trying to get up the courage to tell you something". I asked what that would be and he gave a little chuckle and paused, then said, "After I finish this beer." Three beers and a couple of hours later, I asked him again if he was ever going to tell me what it was he was getting the courage up to tell me. He sighed and paused again, then proceeded to render me speechless and dumbfouned again for the second time in my life. He said, "Jen, I'm too old to play games anymore. I don't want to play games. I love you. I always have. I never got over that. I want to be with you. Please... let me be with you. Let me fly you out here and come stay a week with me." I stammered a bit and told him I didn't think that would be a good idea. He said he'd come to me then, and stay a week with me. I again told him I didn't think that would be a good idea. For about two hours after that, he tried to sell himself to me, listing all of the pro's of being with him. Eventually, he passed out on me and I didn't hear from him again for two weeks.

When I was finally able to pin him down again, he essentially told me he was ashamed of his weakness that night and just wanted to forget about it. In recent days, and after talking to my brother about it, I've come to realize that he was also most likely hurt because I'd rejected him. In my own defense, I said I didn't reject him, but my brother pointed out that I said, "That's not a good idea"... he told me that IS rejection... and he pointed out a few things from a guy's perspective that were rather eye opening for me. No wonder Chris had gotten drunk that night he confessed his feelings to me for the second time... he didn't want to handle the rejection (if there was to be any... and there was) sober.

After talking to my brother, I came to understand that I was hiding behind my own fears of rejection.. this was why I told Chris it wasn't a good idea for us to be together. Because I was afraid he would do what ever other man (single one at least) had done... look at me and see what I've become... not even a shade of my former self... and he would walk away... never to be heard from again. I couldn't handle that kind of rejection.

On Wednesday of last week, it was very late when I got an email from Chris on Facebook. I'd had a black rose as my display picture in honor of the passing of my friend, Peter. Chris' email was just three short words... "Hey, Black Rose". I replied back to him letting him know that he'd been on my mind and asking how he was doing. He told me that he'd been thinking of me as well and wanted to know if he could call me that night (Thursday night). I told him it would be great to hear his voice and catch up again and gave him my number again so he could call me. He didn't call... which I'd actually come to expect from him after our last phone call a year ago. So, hoping to open a door to get him to talk to me, I emailed him again and said, "So... curious now... what have you been thinking of me." He replied sometime later sayng that he would call me later that night (now Friday). I was surprised when he DID call.

We talked for a few minutes. There was actually a lot going on in my house. A friend had dropped by for a short visit that night and my kids and her kids were playing. He could hear all the commotion going on. He heard my oldest daughter talking in the background and asked a few question about her before he stunned me yet again, asking if he could talk to her. I said sure and handed over the phone to my daughter. I then turned to my friend and began to (as quickly as possible) fill her in on who he was.

Chris' phone started to die and he told my daughter to have me call him back in about half an hour... I waited an hour though, and after my friend and her kids went home, I called him back... no answer, just went to voice mail, so I left a message.

Feeling a bit dejected that I didn't hear from him again that night, I wanted to send a clear message to him to let him know I was ready for that talk again... A song came on in my playlist that made me think of him... a ballad. So, hoping to open the door wide enough for him to see this, I went to youtube and got the video and posted it in an email that said, "I hope you didn't call just to talk to my daughter last night. LOL I heard this tonight and it made me think of you. Talk to me, baby... " The song is "Use Me" by Digital Summer:

I think it worked to my advantage, I got a short email back from him saying, "Hi, honeybunny. I'll call you later tomorrow around the same time."

The next day, I had just logged into the computer to check my messages and play a few of my FB games when I suddenly decided to log into MSN (which I never use anymore). Shortly there after, my friend came over again and was sorting through some things she'll be keeping over here at my place for a yardsale at some point in time this summer. Chris logged into MSN and the noise it made unexpectedly startled me as I wasn't used to hearing it. I messaged him and told him he'd scared me and we began talking again... he talked me into downloading a game that he wanted me to play with him. He gave me the information for his second account and I logged in two hours later to create a character. Chris called to talk to me a few minutes and told me to call him back as soon as I was finished with the character creation process (which can be quite lengthy at times). After my friend had gone back home, and the download finished, I called Chris and he walked me through a few things then we got off the phone and simply talked on the computer. We played that game for about 9, give our take, hours. The last few hours, he'd gone very quiet, hardly saying a word... so I knew he was thinking.

At the start of the last two runs we made, we began talking in earnest. After asking him if he was alright, pointing out that he'd gone too quiet on me, he said, "You have to love yourself" I told him that I was working on that. He told me that I needed to be myself 'cuz that's what he is always and he's not going to change. I told him I didn't want to change him, and that I AM always myself. No matter what. It was just others that can't always accept that. He said then they weren't my friends to begin with and I told him I wasn't talking about friends...

We talked through the last two runs, and then for about 45 minutes after the last one. We talked about the things we want out of a relationship. I told him I didn't want just another fling. He said, "This is not a fling". He told me he just wants to be happy again. That he doesn't want to be hurt or screwed over. No more head games. I told him I felt the same way and that every part of me WANTS love him... but I'm scared.

I said that I NEED someone who can accept me the way I am, knowing that I'm going to do all I can to get myself better. Someone willing to work with me to get better. Someone who would be my best friend and my lover. My cheerleader and biggest supporter. My inspiration and my muse. He said simply, "I'm down with that". We talked a little more about the things that we want and expect from a life partner. He said he'd like to try to be that. I explained to him that I'd only ever truly, completely and utterly loved someone so unfathomably unconditional ONCE in my life. He said the same applied to him. He suggested that perhaps we could find that again with each other.

So, finally, I asked him, "What is 'this'? Us? Where do we go now?" He said that he'd like to be a pair, so I teased and said, "A pair of what? jeans? shoes? spades? Hearts?" He laughed at that and said, "No... a couple. Girl and Boy. Man and woman. Can't really say 'boyfriend and girlfriend.' " (though I didn't ask why he couldn't say the last, but with us in different states right now, I can partly see why) He asked me if I'd be willing to move to be with him. I didn't exactly say yes, but I didn't say no either. I told him that I'd been to Colorado Springs (where he lives) for 8 days back in '96 and I loved it there.

He informed me that he intends to come out here for a visit sometime in July, which again... shocked me. I said, "Really? July?" He asked if there was a reason he shouldn't. I simply smiled and said, "No. It will be great to see you." So, I guess that will be the true test.

Before we logged off for the night, he asked me, "You're my woman?" I smiled and said, "Only if you're my man... " He said, "I am your man. I am yours." We both said we were very happy in that moment and went to bed after he asked me to call him around 2ish later that afternoon. That was yesterday, Mother's day... the best one I've had in MANY years! =)

I did call at the designated time but didn't get an answer... didn't even go into VM which I'd thought was odd. So, I waited a few hours and tried again. He did answer and said that he was just heading out to take his mom to dinner and that he would call me back later (though he didn't LOL). Chris is very much a free spirit and perhaps just what the doctor ordered. I'll be the first to admit that I'm scared. Scared of what is to come. I simply hope that I can be all he needs and wants me to be and that he wont grimmace at what I've become and not want anything further to do with me.

So, here I go... taking the first steps to coming out of this prison that fear built... down a road of recovery and... Gods willing... down the road to finally finding that ONE man to spend the rest of my life with. I have a good feeling about Chris. I can't explain it, but I do.

Wish me luck... =)