Sunday, June 6, 2010

Updates... wow! Where to begin...? Took a break and went to Florida on Friday the 28th of May. Stayed thru the holiday weekend. Was good to see everyone again, but I stll felt isolated... it was very apparent my mom is playing favorites again.

When we arrived late that night, for about 20 to 30 mins, it was as if I didn't exist at all. My mother went in with my sister-in-law and played with the grandbabies for a good while. I tried to make my presence known, but was largly ignored. I just went into the kitchen and sat down.

Before I got there, my mom and sister went out that day and got matching tattoos... I pouted and asked, "Where's mine?" And was told, "I don't know? Where?"... even if said in a playful tone, that still bothered me. Made me feel like I wasn't good enough.

When my mom had to make a run to the store to pick up two items she forgot to get to go with dinner Saturday night, I volunteered to go with her... she completely ignored what I'd said and told my sister to go with her. They were gone for almost 2.5 hours just to get 2 items.

Monday afternoon, when my sister-in-law and I were getting ready to come back home, my mom and sister were sitting on the couch whispering to each other. I heard my sister say, "Momma, I have to leave in about an hour to head back home, too," and barely heard my mom say, "It only takes 10 minutes to get there."

-Sigh- My mom has always favored my sister over me. I've blown up at her about it before and she said she never realized she did that... now she's doing it again. Made no sense to me. She practically begged me to come down that weekend, said she needed me, then mostly ignored my presence through the course of the weekend.

Saturday, we went to a powwow. I REALLY needed a drum fix for some deep soul healing, but the weather was really crappy... rained out the powwow for about 2 hours. Drums sounded really flat and muffled... sad. I REALLY needed that. Why did I need a deep soul healing? One word... Chris... Which leads me to the "relationship" part of my life... Or the lack there of.

Chris posted on his FB that he was in a relationship with someone other than me. I emailed him and asked what was up with that, explained that, oddly, I wasn't mad, but wanted to understand. Pointing out all the things he'd said to me and said he wanted. He emailed me back and lied... he's a terrible liar, even in an email. He said he'd been drunk everytime he talked to me and said a lot of things that he didn't mean. He explained that she is what he wants and he hopes I understand. I replied that I understood... everything he said was a lie. I wished him well in life and hoped he finds what he's looking for. To which he replied again (and the tone of which made me feel like he was trying to assuage his guilty conscious) saying that he and I were never anything barely more than friends who hung out a couple of times in HS. That there was never anything special between he and I, and that he and she have a past together, and she is his perfect match. BLAH!BLAH!BLAH! Bullshit! He'll be back... that's what my gut tells me. How could he just dismiss me like that? One day he's telling me that the memories we share were "magical" and the next he's telling me that we were never anything special. WTF!

Anywho... on the weightloss issue, scale says I've gained 10 lbs, but I don't feel like that's accurate. My rings are still falling off my fingers, more than ever, and my clothes are still loose fitting... I don't see how I could have gained ten lbs more than when I started and still have clothes loose on me and rings falling off if I'm not careful. *shrug* whatever. I'm very quickly about to reach a point where I say FTW and crawl into a hole so the rest of the world can forget me the way that those I held closest to me have.

That's all my ranting for now... sorry... just needed to get it all out in the open. It hurts too much to keep it all inside.

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