Saturday, May 15, 2010

The Road To Recovery...

Well, as I mentioned in my first blog, I have various medical conditions that have "held me back" for several years now. A degenerative spine being one of those, bi-polar and depression another. Two years ago when I was diagnosed with DVT and realized how close to dying I was, I really sank into a deep "funk".

I realized about six weeks ago that my life has REALLY got to change, and for the better. I began doing a lot of thinking and soul-searching. I talked to what few good friends I have that wont judge me for being weak and vulnerable... and miserable.

The pain in my spine becoming more and more prevalent... getting worse day by day. It wasn't until about a month ago that I was talking to a friend of mine, Tom, about the "woe's of me", that I decided I was going to take an active part in bringing about positive changes in my life. I just needed an impartial ear to let me vent and offer advice. Tom was that ear.

At one point in our conversation I told him, "I'm so beyond ready for my ship to come in." Tom said to me, "It already has, Jen. It's docked the harbor of dreams waiting for you to claim it." At first, I scoffed at this and thought, 'yeah, right!' But the more I thought about it, the more that made sense. I quickly realized that I had been sitting there for 2 years waiting for something to just fall out of the sky and land in my lap that was going to suddenly make everything better again. Boy, was I wrong!

I realized that I am the only one who can do something about the sad little life I have that's riddled with pain and illness. I decided to take the bull by the horns... to get healthy, and thus, to get happy. All this extra "baggage" I'm carrying around is doing more and more damage to a spine already damaged enough. Because of it, I'm only expediting the condition to the point of no return. You see... the good news about the kind of spinal degeneration I have is that it's reversable... with about 7 to 10 years of physical therapy... but not after it reaches stage 4. Parts of my spine are already in stage 3 (which takes an approximate 20 years to reach) and my weight isn't helping this condition, only hindering it. Considering I can't go to therapy for it at this point in time, I have to do my part to take care of it... I haven't been doing that, and so the pain begins in earnest.

After a trip to Wal-Mart in which I couldn't get a handi-capped "scooter" to ride around in, I realized how arduous and laborious the task of walking had become for me due to the degeneration. My spine simply wont let me walk around for more than 10 minutes before the discomfort sets in... 20 minutes and I'm in excrutiating pain. It amazes me the things we take for granted... like the ability to walk, something I had always enjoyed doing for both pleasure and exercise, had becoming something I dreaded having to do. This had to change!

On May 9th 2010, the two year anniversary of when I was diagnosed with a life-changing illness (DVT) I decided I was going to impliment some of these changes in my life. I am determined that I WILL walk again without the use of a cane. I want to enjoy WALKING through the store instead of riding in a painfully uncomfortable scooter.

May 10, 2010 dawned wet and dreary most of the day, so I didn't get much of a chance to get in much walking. I have, though, for the rest of the week. I'm still only walking about half a mile (two laps at a time), but this is much better than I thought I could do. I WILL do this! I WILL get better!

I know, over the last 6 weeks, that I've lost some weight. How much, exactly, I don't know, but some. Today at work, I took a walk through the building for my exercise today and decided to weigh myself on the scale in the back. I know I'm under the weight limit for that scale, but didn't know by how much. I'll do this at least once a month for the time being to monitor how much I'm losing.

When I get home today, I'm going to have to take some "before pictures" for the Team Beachbody website that I joined on May 9th. I need to get in touch with my cousin, Dr. Margaret to see if she'd be willing to help me put together a plan that will work for ME and my disabilities and medical conditions, and where exercise is concerned, I'm thinking that I'm going to start with some basic pilates instead of doing something with the Team Beachbody workout programs. I want to work up to those. I found, in a "SHAPE" magazine, what looks like a good and simple enough work out. Just have to start doing that.

Monday is a new day. Not only will I walk that day, but I will begin the work out that I've found, while my cousin and I start working on creating a diet and exercise program that will work best for me, and others like me.

All is not lost or hopeless, even though... at times... it seems to be. I WILL NOT be defeated. I WILL get over this mountain before me and find a healthier, happier me on my boat in the harbor of dreams. =)

In other news, I've had a setback where my relationship with Chris is concerned. One I actually did see coming.

On Tuesday, I think it was, the 11th, Chris and I talked on the phone that night. He was so funny. I love it when he makes me laugh. He told me that he wanted me to move there in two weeks. Said he was excited to start our new lives together and didn't want to wait anymore. I told him I was committed to a lease agreement until July and he conceded, saying, "Ok. 6 weeks then."

On Wednesday, I told my mother about Chris and she was very skeptical at first... almost negative about it. I strong sense of dread came over me when she told me that she sent him a friend request on Facebook and intends to be nosy. I told her not to be mean and not to scare him. She said if he scares off too easy, he's not meant for me. *shakes head* Two days later, she told me that she'd sent a message to him saying, "What's this I hear about you and my daughter?" My first thought was, 'Great! She sounds bitchy!' I had a VERY BAAAAAD feeling from the begining telling my mother about him.

To be expected, Chris messaged me last night and said that he wants to slow down, take it day by day and see where things lead, stating that we have time and there's no need to rush into anything... in guy speak... that translates to, "I just wanna be friends." I was crushed. I didn't get it. How could he be telling me he loves me and can't wait to start our lives together, he's so excited about the prospect of it that he wants me there in two weeks, then turn around two days later and take it all back?

I realize that he's scared. I get it! I am, too. -sigh- But, to be honest, I can't blame him. When my family suddenly jumps in there and wants to be all in his business and they're not coming off as friendly about it either, instantly putting him on the defensive... what man in his right mind willingly goes into a relationship that seems there's this much volital family interference going on in the first few days!? *shakes head* I can't blame him.

There are other ways my mother could have talked to him that would not have made him uncomfortable or put him on the defensive. In his defense, Chris doesn't know her from Adam, and he doesn't know that she was trying to be "cutesy". She could have been A LOT friendlier in her approach to him knowing how important this is to me.

I've simply decided to take a step back, and let him have his breathing room. I don't really know what else to do. I love him... I really, truly do. If we're meant to be, then we will and I'll be waiting. When he's ready... he'll let me know.

So, I'm simply going to stay focused and keep working on the broken puzzle peices that are me. Slowly, I'll find all the peices and put me back together again.

Wish me luck.


  1. You can do it! You can do anything! :-D As for everything else... Whatever is meant to be will be! One way or another... Have faith! You'll see! Love you!

  2. Thank you, D! I love you, too... now if I could just stop crying...