The unsurprising broken heart:for those who had read them, you may have noticed that I deleted a few blogs I'd written about an old HS acquaintence I'd written about: Bryan... I told the story of how I threw him across the room with the sheer power of my legs when he tried to pin me down at a party back in '91 I think it was. It was initially good to reconnect with him and find that we had a lot in common. I talked about how he and I began an "affair of the heart" (with him going to Iraq it was about all we could do) but I had my misgivings about it, stating that it felt like "Pit" all over again, but regardless, I was going to see where it would lead me. I guess I had to prove to myself that my heart truly wasn't dead after "Pit".
One of my motto's in life has always been to follow your heart. It will never lead you wrong. It may lead you down a road of heartache, but it will never lead you down the road of regret. So, I did just that, and sure enough, it did lead to a heartache.
The end of November Bryan very suddenly stopped talking to me. Stopped calling, stopped writting, stopped emailing, just stopped... everything.. with no explanation. Initially, I worried.. what with him being in Iraq and all... but then, I came to realize some things, and instantly knew that it had been this way all along. He was keeping someone else in another state... typical. I said it felt like "Pit" again and I was right.
Initially, I was upset and depressed about this. "What the hell is wrong with me that men continue to treat me like this?" I asked myself, reminding myself of the promises he'd made: "I wont hurt you." Yeah, I've heard that one before... a million times if I've heard it once. "I'm not going anywhere." Pishaw! "I'll always be here for you." Yawn! You know the ones... -shakes head- what on earth made me think that he would be different when he only had vague memories of me to begin with AND knowing his history of cheating on his wife. -sighs- I'm an idiot sometimes... I guess in a "tortured" way, I have always felt that I simply don't deserve better. I don't know... and I truly don't want to stop and analyze it. Good Riddance to bad rubbish, I say. =) I wish him all the best in life and hope he can find what he is missing in life that will make him STOP being the way he is (always looking to dip his stick in something regardless of his current relationship).
Moving on...
The loss of an old friend: It's never been common/public knowledge that I knew Peter Steele (of Type O Negative). I have had a connection to the man most of my life... he haunted me and my dreams from the time I was a child. As far back as I can remember, he was there though I didn't know who he was at the time... simply, the man in my dreams.
It just so came to be that in 1993 I discovered Type O Negative thanks in part to my now ex-husband. He saw the cover of "Bloody Kisses" and thought a band who would have two chicks kissing on the cover couldn't be all that bad. He hated them... I loved them. Over the next two years after that I bought every TON I could get my hands on. Then, in 1995 it became widely known that Peter posed for Playgirl magazine (and several other lesser and more trashy/seeder adult rags). Curiosity got the better of me, and being the fan I am, I bought the Playgirl issue that would become their biggest and best selling mag they'd EVER sold.
Oddly enough (yeah, I know what your thinking) I wasn't as much interested in the pics as I was in what he had to say. Yes, the pics were... impressive... to say the least, but to me, they simply didn't feel "natural" for him. In reading the interview (which oddly enough I did before really looking at any of the pics) it was all vaguely familiar to me. I couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was that was familiar about it.. until a few days later. I'd gone to wash the dishes when it hit me... a dream I'd had that was pretty much everything he'd said in that interview. I was flabbergasted. I ran back down to my room and grabbed the mag again, to "study" the interview and pictorial and I'll be damned if it wasn't the same man from my dreams. I must have walked around dazed for a few days. I simply didn't know what to think of it.
Over the next few years, I established a sort of telepathic link to him, trying to figure out why it was that I'd dreamt of this man most of my life. I came to understand him in a way that most people didn't. I didn't tell anyone about this, simply because people were already afraid of my abilities as a pyschic medium (though at this point in time, I still had no idea what my abilities were or why I had them) and I didn't need anyone thinking I was crazier than they already thought I was.
Three degrees of seperation: In the years that followed after this startling revelation, I came to know someone who had known Peter most of her life. "Susky" as he nicknamed her (and she hated it then) and I struck up a friendship, introduced by a mutual friend of ours, Dolores. It was because of my abilities that "Susky" needed to talk to me... some help trying to interpret some strange and disturbing dreams she'd had. "Pit" and I were still "together" at the time, and he and I did a fair bit to help ppl with dream interpretation and Dolores (also someone I'd gone to HS with), knowing of my abilities first hand, introduced us.
At any rate, "Susky" is now one of my best friends... my soul-sister. When she finally found out of my connection to the "Ape", she was flabbergasted how well I knew of the "private" Peter that only his inner-circle of friends and family knew.
Years passed, "Susky" called me to tell me about another friend of hers that needed some insight into a situation she was in and wanted to know if she could pass on my phone number. I agreed, and was soon contacted by someone who has also become a good friend to me.... "Sam".
"Sam" was in a situation with a man she was in love with and had been engaged to for some time but they'd recently split up. Initially, she was very vague, skeptical of my abilities until I began to described the man I saw in my minds eye to her, and described a few other things. She was amazed and, after about two more phone calls, she confessed that the man was Peter. "Susky" had guessed that my connection to Peter would help "Sam" to understand a little better... and she guessed right.
That night when I'd gone to bed, I contacted Peter via our telepathic bond, and I completely berated him for his behavior and how badly he'd acted toward her. He became very angry with me for taking her side instead of his and vowed never to "speak" to me again. Though it was a few years later, he eventually began "speaking" to me again, though not as much as we had been before. "Sam" has never gotten over Peter. To this day, she continues to love him despite what transpired between them.
On April 15, 2010 about 1 am, the "rumor mill" finally caught up to me about the death of Peter Steele. I hit up all the usual hotspots and people were snarky as usual, others shocked and amazed and others who made fun of those who were for believing it again (as it was speculated that Peter had died previously due to a photo "stunt" indicating the change of recording labels).
Not knowing what to believe, I sent a text message to both "Susky" and "Sam" asking if they'd heard anything about it, because surely they'd have known or would know how to find out the vailidity of the supposed rumor. I didn't hear back from either for sometime, until "Susky" (and later "Sam") confirmed for me that the "Ape" had indeed passed. Reports were, that he passed of an Aeortic Aneurysm... tragic. The man had FINALLY (after nearly 20 years) gotten clean and sober and was getting his life back on track. He and "Sam" had even reconciled their differences and were on speaking terms again. "Sam" was over the moon about that.
RIP Peter... know you were loved and are deeply missed.
Decisions to be made: In recent months, I've been rather dispondent. Depressed about my seemingly hopeless life, continued stagnation of my health and continued degeneration of my spine. I've been struggling to keep my blood levels where they NEED to be. They're all over the spectrum right now... one week they'll be 4.0 (which is considered thinner than water) and the next two weeks after it'll be 1.0 (which is so thick that I swear at times I can FEEL the blood moving in my veins). When my blood gets too thick, I am in constant pain in my legs and develop several vericose on the back of my calf. I hate that.
I got so despondent at one point, that I sat down and poured my heart out to a friend, Tom. (the quotations are absent from his name, as he's not one that needs a protection of identity) Anywho... though Tom really didn't know what to say about my pouring my heart out to him, I told him that was ok. I simply needed to talk to someone who wasn't going to judge me and I knew I could count on him for that.
We talked via email for a good long while about the things missing in my life and the things I was "waiting" to happen to me. I told him, at one point, that I was so beyond ready for my ship to come in. He said to me, "Jen, your ship has already come in. Its sitting in the habor of dreams waiting on you to get there and claim it." Initially, in my despondent state, I snarfed at that. 'Yeah, right,' I thought to myself. But the more I thought of it, the more that made sense to me. I've always felt that I would eventually find a better life for myself and my kids. That I would be able to accomplish at least some of the things that I wanted to in life. And here I was, simply waiting for it to fall into my lap.... not going to happen when you don't make any effort to make things happen in your life.
Over a period of weeks after initially pouring my heart out to Tom about the "woes of me", I started watching some inspirational video's that Tom had posted as well as a few other things that he'd recommended. You see, my friend, Tom, is an independent Team Beachbody coach. I've watched the transformation he's undergone over the last few years and its amazing how he's turned his life around. In the emails we'd shared, Tom had given me the tools I would need to turn my own life around. He's a great inspiration to myself and hundreds of other people.
A decision had to be made, on my part. I couldn't just sit here and wallow in my own misery expecting the things I wanted to simply fall into my lap and suddenly make things alright. No, I had to take control of my own life and MAKE my dreams come true. I am tired of hiding behind my own fears, prisoner to them and afraid to live my life because of it.
I've lived the last 10+ years afraid to be involved in a relationship because of my fear of rejection... fear that I would only ever be nothing more than "the other woman" that married men sought after for a little "fun without the commitment". I am SO tired of that. All I've ever wanted to was to be THE ONLY woman for ONE man for the REST of my days. To find the one man in the world who would look at me the way that Tim McGraw looks at Faith Hill. After all these years together, he still looks at her like she's the only woman in the whole world. You can SEE how much they love each other when they look at one another. It is because of them that I still believe in love dispite all that I have personally been through.
Two years ago yesterday, I was diagnosed with a fatal medical condition that I still struggle to maintain to this day... DVT. It seemed fitting that on that day, I have taken the steps necessary to come out of that shell of fear. To stop hiding and being a slave to my fears. You have to start somewhere, and I did in a really big way. I signed up on the Team Beachbody website to have my friend, Tom, as a coach (more for inspiration than anything else) Because of my disabilities and limiations, we're going to have to try to come up with a way to modify the programs so that even I can get better, physically and emotionally.
Reconnecting with an old friend:Now, let me back up 20 years and reminisce for a bit...
It was 89-90 school year, in Baumholder, Germany and I used to go for walks, often alone, through the German town part of the base we lived on. (I love long walks and miss doing that now) On occassion, a friend of mine from school, Chris, would suddenly appear beside me. He'd slip his hand into mine, and we'd just smile and walk through town, hand in hand. Sometimes we'd talk about any and everything and nothing at all, and sometimes we'd walk in silence, just enjoying each other's company. At school, it was a different story. We were in different cliques... I was the Rocker Chick and he was the Skater Dude. Though we associated cordially with each other at school, that was about the extent of it... we never touched or even hung out together at school. As a result, I never thought of his sudden appearances at my side, and holding my hand, while walking through town was anything more than a friendly gesture on his part.
In the spring, it was time for the Homecoming Dance. Chris had no intention of going to the dance, but when he found out I was going, he asked me to save him a slow dance. I thought nothing of it (as we'd always been friendly with each other) and said, "sure". That night, at the dance, Chris came in through a window and I'm not so sure he didn't go and ask the dj to put on some slow tunes. I'd heard he'd slipped in through the window and had asked a friend if they'd seen him, when he slipped up behind me (as always) and took me by the hand to lead me to the dance floor.
We danced three slow songs and he was deliberately slower than the music was in his lead. We made idle chitchat, though I don't remember much (aside from him complimenting my rose tattoo) of what was said. When the music changed, he lingered into the next song, still dancing slow. He didn't say anything, only appeared to be studying my face. I looked at him and asked what was wrong. He smiled a sort of sad smile and said, "nothing". When I then asked what that look he was giving me was he said, "You know... I have always been in love with you." Then he kissed me tenderly. My body froze and my brain seemed to shut down. I stared blankly after that kiss, stunned by his sudden confession. By the time my brain had re-engaged and I was able to see and move again, I looked around frantically but Chris was gone. He'd stolen back out the same window he'd come in... this time... taking with him a piece of my heart. I never saw or heard from him again after that. Only finding out several days later that he and his family had moved the day after the dance.
Now, flash forward to 2009... shortly after Bryan and I "reconnected" last year, I had also reconnected with another... Chris. One who had actually been a friend, not just someone I threw across a room... tho, I did nearly kick Chris in the face once... was his own fault and totally in self defense =P... anywho... Chris and I started talking via the computer last year around May. After only two days of "chitchatting" and catching up on the computer, Chris proclaimed that the internet (no matter how fast) was simply too slow of a medium to communicate in and asked for my number so he could call me. Everyday for the rest of the week, we talked on the phone several times a day. It was wonderful hearing his voice and catching up with him. I'd often wondered about him over the years and had been looking for him for 9 years at that point.
The last time he called me in 2009 (after only one week of talking on the phone) Chris had called me that night and was well on his way to being drunk. He said it was my fault that he was getting drunk. When I asked why that was he said, "Because I'm trying to get up the courage to tell you something". I asked what that would be and he gave a little chuckle and paused, then said, "After I finish this beer." Three beers and a couple of hours later, I asked him again if he was ever going to tell me what it was he was getting the courage up to tell me. He sighed and paused again, then proceeded to render me speechless and dumbfouned again for the second time in my life. He said, "Jen, I'm too old to play games anymore. I don't want to play games. I love you. I always have. I never got over that. I want to be with you. Please... let me be with you. Let me fly you out here and come stay a week with me." I stammered a bit and told him I didn't think that would be a good idea. He said he'd come to me then, and stay a week with me. I again told him I didn't think that would be a good idea. For about two hours after that, he tried to sell himself to me, listing all of the pro's of being with him. Eventually, he passed out on me and I didn't hear from him again for two weeks.
When I was finally able to pin him down again, he essentially told me he was ashamed of his weakness that night and just wanted to forget about it. In recent days, and after talking to my brother about it, I've come to realize that he was also most likely hurt because I'd rejected him. In my own defense, I said I didn't reject him, but my brother pointed out that I said, "That's not a good idea"... he told me that IS rejection... and he pointed out a few things from a guy's perspective that were rather eye opening for me. No wonder Chris had gotten drunk that night he confessed his feelings to me for the second time... he didn't want to handle the rejection (if there was to be any... and there was) sober.
After talking to my brother, I came to understand that I was hiding behind my own fears of rejection.. this was why I told Chris it wasn't a good idea for us to be together. Because I was afraid he would do what ever other man (single one at least) had done... look at me and see what I've become... not even a shade of my former self... and he would walk away... never to be heard from again. I couldn't handle that kind of rejection.
On Wednesday of last week, it was very late when I got an email from Chris on Facebook. I'd had a black rose as my display picture in honor of the passing of my friend, Peter. Chris' email was just three short words... "Hey, Black Rose". I replied back to him letting him know that he'd been on my mind and asking how he was doing. He told me that he'd been thinking of me as well and wanted to know if he could call me that night (Thursday night). I told him it would be great to hear his voice and catch up again and gave him my number again so he could call me. He didn't call... which I'd actually come to expect from him after our last phone call a year ago. So, hoping to open a door to get him to talk to me, I emailed him again and said, "So... curious now... what have you been thinking of me." He replied sometime later sayng that he would call me later that night (now Friday). I was surprised when he DID call.
We talked for a few minutes. There was actually a lot going on in my house. A friend had dropped by for a short visit that night and my kids and her kids were playing. He could hear all the commotion going on. He heard my oldest daughter talking in the background and asked a few question about her before he stunned me yet again, asking if he could talk to her. I said sure and handed over the phone to my daughter. I then turned to my friend and began to (as quickly as possible) fill her in on who he was.
Chris' phone started to die and he told my daughter to have me call him back in about half an hour... I waited an hour though, and after my friend and her kids went home, I called him back... no answer, just went to voice mail, so I left a message.
Feeling a bit dejected that I didn't hear from him again that night, I wanted to send a clear message to him to let him know I was ready for that talk again... A song came on in my playlist that made me think of him... a ballad. So, hoping to open the door wide enough for him to see this, I went to youtube and got the video and posted it in an email that said, "I hope you didn't call just to talk to my daughter last night. LOL I heard this tonight and it made me think of you. Talk to me, baby... " The song is "Use Me" by Digital Summer:
I think it worked to my advantage, I got a short email back from him saying, "Hi, honeybunny. I'll call you later tomorrow around the same time."
The next day, I had just logged into the computer to check my messages and play a few of my FB games when I suddenly decided to log into MSN (which I never use anymore). Shortly there after, my friend came over again and was sorting through some things she'll be keeping over here at my place for a yardsale at some point in time this summer. Chris logged into MSN and the noise it made unexpectedly startled me as I wasn't used to hearing it. I messaged him and told him he'd scared me and we began talking again... he talked me into downloading a game that he wanted me to play with him. He gave me the information for his second account and I logged in two hours later to create a character. Chris called to talk to me a few minutes and told me to call him back as soon as I was finished with the character creation process (which can be quite lengthy at times). After my friend had gone back home, and the download finished, I called Chris and he walked me through a few things then we got off the phone and simply talked on the computer. We played that game for about 9, give our take, hours. The last few hours, he'd gone very quiet, hardly saying a word... so I knew he was thinking.
At the start of the last two runs we made, we began talking in earnest. After asking him if he was alright, pointing out that he'd gone too quiet on me, he said, "You have to love yourself" I told him that I was working on that. He told me that I needed to be myself 'cuz that's what he is always and he's not going to change. I told him I didn't want to change him, and that I AM always myself. No matter what. It was just others that can't always accept that. He said then they weren't my friends to begin with and I told him I wasn't talking about friends...
We talked through the last two runs, and then for about 45 minutes after the last one. We talked about the things we want out of a relationship. I told him I didn't want just another fling. He said, "This is not a fling". He told me he just wants to be happy again. That he doesn't want to be hurt or screwed over. No more head games. I told him I felt the same way and that every part of me WANTS love him... but I'm scared.
I said that I NEED someone who can accept me the way I am, knowing that I'm going to do all I can to get myself better. Someone willing to work with me to get better. Someone who would be my best friend and my lover. My cheerleader and biggest supporter. My inspiration and my muse. He said simply, "I'm down with that". We talked a little more about the things that we want and expect from a life partner. He said he'd like to try to be that. I explained to him that I'd only ever truly, completely and utterly loved someone so unfathomably unconditional ONCE in my life. He said the same applied to him. He suggested that perhaps we could find that again with each other.
So, finally, I asked him, "What is 'this'? Us? Where do we go now?" He said that he'd like to be a pair, so I teased and said, "A pair of what? jeans? shoes? spades? Hearts?" He laughed at that and said, "No... a couple. Girl and Boy. Man and woman. Can't really say 'boyfriend and girlfriend.' " (though I didn't ask why he couldn't say the last, but with us in different states right now, I can partly see why) He asked me if I'd be willing to move to be with him. I didn't exactly say yes, but I didn't say no either. I told him that I'd been to Colorado Springs (where he lives) for 8 days back in '96 and I loved it there.
He informed me that he intends to come out here for a visit sometime in July, which again... shocked me. I said, "Really? July?" He asked if there was a reason he shouldn't. I simply smiled and said, "No. It will be great to see you." So, I guess that will be the true test.
Before we logged off for the night, he asked me, "You're my woman?" I smiled and said, "Only if you're my man... " He said, "I am your man. I am yours." We both said we were very happy in that moment and went to bed after he asked me to call him around 2ish later that afternoon. That was yesterday, Mother's day... the best one I've had in MANY years! =)
I did call at the designated time but didn't get an answer... didn't even go into VM which I'd thought was odd. So, I waited a few hours and tried again. He did answer and said that he was just heading out to take his mom to dinner and that he would call me back later (though he didn't LOL). Chris is very much a free spirit and perhaps just what the doctor ordered. I'll be the first to admit that I'm scared. Scared of what is to come. I simply hope that I can be all he needs and wants me to be and that he wont grimmace at what I've become and not want anything further to do with me.
So, here I go... taking the first steps to coming out of this prison that fear built... down a road of recovery and... Gods willing... down the road to finally finding that ONE man to spend the rest of my life with. I have a good feeling about Chris. I can't explain it, but I do.
Wish me luck... =)
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